Diving between rage and despair.
Watching television. At least it is good BBC stuff.
Throwing a tennis ball while reading trashy mystery novels. The dogs intrigued by my mental absence. Never looking them in the eye, just waiting for them to place that gooey, dirty thing in my hand. Turning the page with the other hand.
Listening to the thunderstorms and the rain in the trees. Noticing that the gutters are full.
Messaging friends, ordering food on line while playing a game of solitaire.
Worrying about my child. Worrying about my brother. Worrying about the neighbors, my music teacher, my trainer, my hairdresser, my friends overseas, my friends here, my high school friends. Their kids. Their jobs. Their lives.
Worrying. Wondering. Fearing.
Noticing and realizing that there is nothing, not a thing, that I can do.
Except staying home.
Dealing with the fear. Where is it? Who has it?
Remembering the Litany Against Fear…
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear – From Frank Herbert’s Dune Book Series
© 1965 and 1984 Frank Herbert
Published by Putnam Pub Group
It takes about 22 seconds to recite the Litany.
Going to wash my hands.
Again. For 22 seconds.
Fear is the mind killer….