In isolation since March 11, 2020. Ten weeks of being in the house with a crushing feeling of nothingness and helplessness and anger and fear. The overwhelming sorrow at taking those feelings out on the ones that I love. An inability to say, “I am sorry”. As if a giant wall, miles high and thick, had been built all around me. There were no tools to tear it down. It needed water and there were no tears.
So it grew higher and thicker and soon there was no movement. The body could get out of a chair. It couldn’t do the things that made its brain happy. Feeding the family, playing with dogs, making cloth had become chores. Work that had no beginning and no end. And the brain tried to pretend that it was ok.
One month ago, Gracie was bitten by a rattlesnake. She made it through but it was a long three days. (See https://muellermusings.com/2020/04/25/gracies-very-very-bad-day/ ) Since then the days have gotten longer, people have started to avoid using precautions and the wall got thicker and higher.
The fear for my family and friends grew stronger. The the wall got thicker and higher.
The anger at people who could not see that they were endangering my family, my friends grew stronger. The wall got thicker and higher.
The helpless feelings pressed down like a weighted blanket, covering the brain and the soul. The wall got thicker and higher.
The killing of black men continued. The wall got thicker and higher.
The horror of watching injustice and murder struck the soul. And the wall got thicker and higher
Today, in an effort to physically break through the wall, the spreading of wood chips began. Lifting pounds of organic matter and spread it on a dirt driveway gave purpose to the day.
And in that process, a small, slithering, shiny rattler appeared. It did not live long. It’s parts were scattered as far a humanly possible. It may not have been the one that harmed our beloved Gracie. But it was close enough.
The brain was suddenly getting a rush of adrenaline and blood. and it made the body sweat and shake.
Seeking solace and distraction electronically has been the unacceptable but unavoidable answer. The body cooled and became immobile again.
Scrolling aimlessly there appeared, from a dear, dear friend a post. It broke through the noise and the chaff and called to be watched. To receive some attention.
My friend didn’t know she was giving me a hammer to break the dam that prevent the water from coming. She didn’t know she gave a tool to begin the process of destroying the wall. But she did.
Watching and listening, over and over again, the rain came.