In isolation since March 11, 2020. Ten weeks of being in the house with a crushing feeling of nothingness and helplessness and anger and fear. The overwhelming sorrow at taking those feelings out on the ones that I love. An inability to say, “I am sorry”. As if a giant wall, miles high and thick, had been built all around me. There were no tools to tear it down. It needed water and there were no tears.
So it grew higher and thicker and soon there was no movement. The body could get out of a chair. It couldn’t do the things that made its brain happy. Feeding the family, playing with dogs, making cloth had become chores. Work that had no beginning and no end. And the brain tried to pretend that it was ok.
One month ago, Gracie was bitten by a rattlesnake. She made it through but it was a long three days. (See https://muellermusings.com/2020/04/25/gracies-very-very-bad-day/ ) Since then the days have gotten longer, people have started to avoid using precautions and the wall got thicker and higher.
The fear for my family and friends grew stronger. The the wall got thicker and higher.
The anger at people who could not see that they were endangering my family, my friends grew stronger. The wall got thicker and higher.
The helpless feelings pressed down like a weighted blanket, covering the brain and the soul. The wall got thicker and higher.
The killing of black men continued. The wall got thicker and higher.
The horror of watching injustice and murder struck the soul. And the wall got thicker and higher
Today, in an effort to physically break through the wall, the spreading of wood chips began. Lifting pounds of organic matter and spread it on a dirt driveway gave purpose to the day.
And in that process, a small, slithering, shiny rattler appeared. It did not live long. It’s parts were scattered as far a humanly possible. It may not have been the one that harmed our beloved Gracie. But it was close enough.
The brain was suddenly getting a rush of adrenaline and blood. and it made the body sweat and shake.
Seeking solace and distraction electronically has been the unacceptable but unavoidable answer. The body cooled and became immobile again.
Scrolling aimlessly there appeared, from a dear, dear friend a post. It broke through the noise and the chaff and called to be watched. To receive some attention.
My friend didn’t know she was giving me a hammer to break the dam that prevent the water from coming. She didn’t know she gave a tool to begin the process of destroying the wall. But she did.
Watching and listening, over and over again, the rain came.
Tears, finally.
Talkin' to Myself 
Like my Mum always said – sometimes you just need a good cry. Thanks for 5his.
Sent from my iPad
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What a deep, raw sharing Gael. Thank you for being YOU. I watched the video, tears, waterfall tears for me came also. All my feelings, thoughts anger, came forth. My son-in-law of 20+ years, over that time, shared with me what for him it is like being black. I was not even aware of some of the thought process he had in walking in life. So foreign to me. How he was aware of his children and what they face being of mixed. He would share with me the depths. He also shared the beautiful beautiful man he is, kind, compassionate, family orientated, full of love. Like so many of us. That shines through more than the other……. still………… I always have felt honored he would share his rawness of his walk in life as a Black man. And now as a father of two beautiful children, my grandkids. I was humbled over and over and over again. I had no idea………Thank you for being you and sharing your truths in your journey of now. My heart has been crying and crying over now……….Love,Your childhood friend,Sandy Sandy
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Sandy, I love you!!!
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Thank you for sharing that! Hang in there–Cathy
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Yes So touched here Tears I sure miss our choir singing together
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Oh my goodness I can so identify with this. As you probably already know my husband is in the high risk group. If he were to contract this dreaded virus I know it would be the end for him. And it’s not death in and of itself that scares the hell out of me, it’s the horrific way that people who contract it die. The horrific pain and suffering that goes along with it. Or at least, so I have read. And it’s knowing I would not be able to be with him.
A little over a week ago I learned that my sister’s step daughter has it. She is such a young woman. She also has diabetes and has been on dialysis for years. Along with these are other health issues. MY sister divorced her father years ago but she has kept in touch with Brittany. I don’t know her well, but my heart goes out to her. Betwixt and between are all the horrible things going on in the world, which you have already alluded to. It really can be overwhelming. Like you, the tears just won’t come. Depression has reared its ugly head and I shake it off. But it’s like a roller coaster. Some days I am okay. Others not so much. But I have to run the errands, do the grocery shopping etc. I have taken it on myself due to hubby’s high risk situation. I pray when I can, but there are days nothing helps and I am frozen and merely moving through the motions of life like an automaton.
So thank you for your honest sharing. I am glad Gracie is okay. I am glad you were able to find release through tears. That must be a bit of relief. Take care of yourself and stay well.
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Carol, take a huge hug from me. I know that there are a lot of people out there who need to know that there are other struggling and trying to find ways to cope. I keep you in my heart. Stay safe. Stay healthy.
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Thank you so much Gael. It does help to know that we are all in this together, that so many others share my fears and anxieties. I send warm hugs back to you. May you know the blessings of peace and love.
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Hi Gael, I hope you are coping ok today…. throughout your insightful article, my heart resonated deeply with your every passionate word….. and I held back the tears until I played the song….. and floodgates opened…. again…. my tear ducts have ebbed and flowed a lot lately…… I’ve written a few compelling pieces lately, …. but I’ll leave you this song by Lisa Hannigan … her passion touched my soul….. and I’ll attach the lyrics below….xxxxx
“We, The Drowned”
We, the drowned
Hold our hollow hearted ground
Til we swallow ourselves down
Again
We, the ashes,
We spend our days like matches
And burned ourselves as black as
The end.
We know not the fire in which we burn
But we sing and we sing
And the flames grow higher.
We read not the pages which we turn
But we sing, and we sing, and we sing, and we sing
We, the wrong,
We the sewn up and long gone,
Were before and all along
Like this
We, the drowned
The lost and found out,
We are all finished again.
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All my love to you, Ivor. Some days are better than others. Today was much better after I wrote that piece. I think I need to write more. I have hesitated because I fear it comes across as whining or complaining. I am not. I am trying to let the Universe wash it away. Like the tears do.
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I resemble your feelings Gael…. I even had to a break from writing 10 days…. I’m back now, but the recent race atrocities have upset the harmony of my soul….. ((hugs))…..
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